Procrastination despite perfect circumstaces
I have been trying to implement a meditation routine into my life for over a year. The plan was (and still is…not giving up here ;) to do spiritual practice twice per day (as a minimum, with some 10 mins meditation breaks in between). When I started this journey it went on for a few weeks until my job with its unregular schedule and night shifts for instance came in between and broke me and my discipline. But the girl got her sshh together and got back into it with great enthusiasm and purpose fueling discipline for several months until…something emotionally intense happened and threw her off balance so she flew down from the peak of the highest mountain of bliss. Don’t worry she’s a tough cookie though and returned to the initial plan, until…something else happened. The circle has been going on like this since then, and the wings grew tired of those radical winds changing their directions all the time. If you experienced a similar situation, I bet you understand that after a while in this repetitive pattern, it doesn’t get easier…actually quite the opposite. The defeat feels heavier although throwing in the towel gets easier.
Lack of external motivation is definently not the case here, as it feels like everything around me is pushing me towards the spiritual lifestyle. Even certain opportunities in life have arisen that I never have expected and gave me the necessary time and resources to focus fully on meditation practices. Have you ever been in such a place where it feels like you’re ready and it feels like the perfect time but for some reason you’re procrastinating more than ever before?
“How needing of compassion are those who are skill-less, those who are tortured by ignorance and past actions, those who indulge in actions conducive to suffering-even though they desire happiness! Grant your blessing so that the obscuration of dissonant emotional states and past actions may be purified!”- from the preliminary practise in the Tibetan Book Of The Dead
Actually it feels like a one of those tests of life on the path of mastering something, when suddenly you get events thrown into your life, either an obvious obstacle which can cause delay on your path, or a fortunate turn putting the wind in your sails to speed up the journey. Well now I’ve learned that you gotta be very careful when judging those two as good or bad.
Blessing in the skies or blessing in disguise-which would you choose?
Most people (like me, hey..) try to minimize uncomfortable situations and suffering like hard work and bodily pain. It makes sense, yet what if those things are actually a blessing in disguise? Before this recent job opportunity which gave me all the time and more for spiritual practice, I was working a freelance job with an irregular schedule and constant long working hours. It was very difficult (to say the least…but no, actually it was painful) to upkeep my spiritual practice with the significant lack of sleep, yet most days I succeeded. Quite a few times I cried and wept due to bodily pain in the meditation after the long working days, but I didit nevertheless. Now that I have all the time and the perfect environment to practise, I have failed to do so. I started procrastinating in the worst possible way. I couldn’t wrap my head around “Why, why, why?!”, until the simple realization occured to me. Outer freedom without inner restriction is the road to failure. I could clearly see how the challenging, restricting outer circumstances have been my actual blessing, a blessing in disguise which kept me in check by continuously forcing me to continue fighting, throwing in the fuel for the inner flame to continue burning which otherwise might have just died due to boredom and procrastination where no fighting for survival was necessary anymore.
This absence of obstacles is like a desert-it’s wide, open with lots of space and air for a fire to burn and expand, yet there isn’t much around that could act as fuel. Such a state of expansion in one’s life is like a material abundance when you don’t have to struggle in a demanding job, you get external calmness which might seem like the blessing in the skies, yet is the most difficult state to maintain your flame -your drive- in this calm but wild freedom that lures into temptation to lose touch with the necessity of discipline and evidently the striving for your own sacred purpose. When the outer chains are lifted, you must prove your self restraint and determination. An abundance of resources and energy can only be a true blessing for the one who is able to use it in control and in keeping with their own will to speed up the journey.
In the end I see now that all external circumstances have the potential for both victory and defeat, as it’s not the wind’s fault but solely the one who isn’t able to steer accordingly.
